My soup

The more I think about this, the more I realize that he use to be my motivation for writing as much as I did, even if I didn’t always write about him.. he was my motivation. I get into these phase often, around this time, maybe due to the fact that I’m a holiday virgin when it comes to relationships and he’s pretty much the only love I’ve ever known. The fact that he never said Merry Christmas back to me today, rips me apart for some reason. If he answered I would’ve tried to strike up a conversation but he didn’t and he hasn’t tried to talk to me since we went out to dinner. Maybe that was it, that dinner was our last goodbye, although no goodbyes were said, just a couple see you soon’s, talk to you later’s, and good seeing you’s. But maybe that was his goodbye.. and I don’t know if I like the idea of that. And I know I’m a hypocrite because I’ve said goodbye, a million times… but in the back of my mind I was hoping he’d know that I never really could actually say goodbye not even if I tried.. not even if I made someone force me to. But I can’t help but think that was his silent goodbye… that he’s let me go. And that he doesn’t believe that we can ever just be friends, because I’m hoping he doesn’t think that because not being friends would hurt so much more than anything I’ve ever known.  

I’m trying to figure out if I want to post the post thats been sitting in my drafts box the last couple days…. because for some reason its really hard to admit this to everyone even if its completely obvious. But the more I think about it, the more it tears me apart. A lot of people probably will never understand why I keep holding on, even if I say otherwise, I’ll always hold onto him. Of course I’d never go back but I miss him, everyday… through everything that happened, he was still the best thing that ever happened to me. And I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t miss him often, or if I said I don’t still think about him, or get nervous when I see him, because I do. I still think about him… everyday pretty much. When I see him and my knees still get weak and my hands start to tremble… I get that feeling in the pit of my stomach and my heart still skips a beat because what can I say.. I’ll always love him. My only regret is the fear that weld up inside me that torn things apart, the insecurities I made up, that he never saw and the thoughts I had that always told me… that I had end it before I got hurt… but in the end I only hurt myself and him a billion times over. My only hope is that he’s forgiven me, and I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t, but due to recent events I have a feeling he has, but that doesn’t excuse him. Most of me wants him to hate me, but he’s made it clear that he never could… and thats why I will never let go of him. 

supersmashleigh:

• Never had a New Year’s Kiss.
• Never had a Valentine Kiss.
• Never spent time with someone in Valentine’s Day.
• Never had a Valentine.
• Never had a kiss under the mistletoe.
• Never been taken during Christmas.

every.single.thing /: